Got an Old Flame? Why Not Carry Your Torch in the Olympic Relay?

All this controversy surrounding the Olympic Torch Relay has me thinking: Relay. Torch. China.

I've got it! Let's get away from an event that is causing divisiveness (hell--riots!) and get back to a good old "I'd like to teach the world to sing" moment (which I'm sure Coca-Cola would love to sponsor). Instead of carrying dangerous, flammable, incendiary torches, how about carrying the other kind of torch: your old flame!

What better excuse to look up the one that got away? "What do you say, sweetie, should we embrace in the spirit of global peace and friendly competition?" Couples that might-have-been can be-again.

I propose transforming the Australian tradition of "wife-carrying" (see photo above) into "torch carrying. (No wives allowed!

What could be more heart-warming than seeing a graying man carrying his faded rose tenderly along the World Wide Torch Route? What would be more in the spirit of athleticism than watching him grunt under the weight of those extra pounds she has piled up over the years?

And hell, if they get back together when it's over they can always go register.

For China.

Enough with Elizabeth Gilbert's chick fantasy book, Eat Pray Love! Here's MY version!

Top 11 irritating things couples do

11. Sending holiday pictures with just their kid(s) because they're apparently too dumpy and/or estanged to appear together.

10. Sending holiday pictures of just their pet(s) because their kids are now teenagers and are also too dumpy and/or estranged.

9. Writing holiday brag letters in the third person when everyone knows its from the wife.

8. Wives complaining to others about their husbands when they've had too much to drink.

7. Husbands purposely belittling their wives in front of others.

6. Not being sure what to ask you about yourself and your weird single life, so they just drone on about remodeling projects and kids' activities. Zzzzz...

5. Husbands needing to clear every invitation with their wives because they have no time for themselves.

4. Complaining to you about their in-laws.

3. One word: "We"

2. Fixing you up with their single friend and thinking you'll be perfect together because s/he is the only other (pathetic) single friend they have.

1. Living vicariously through their single friends because their own relationship is apparently a barren emotional/sexual wasteland.

Top 11 Reasons Why Irish-Americans Are Still Screwed

Double-Click the Bar of Soap for a Refreshing (and MANLY surprise! That Brian is hot, and he can COUNT)

"Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud." --Jimmy Rabbitte, The Commitments, 1991

I'm FRECKLE-FACED and I'm proud! Minnebarista, 2008

1. No big Hollywood blockbuster about the Great Famine, and how the Irish ALSO came over on slave ships as indentured laborers to take jobs for lower pay than free blacks. No Roots about my family's horrific experience living through the famine, building the canals of New Orleans, working as servants for the wealthy in St. Louis, getting sucked into the Civil War, then watching a farm fail in Iowa. All before they had antidepressants, too! Instead, we just get a movie portraying the Irish as violent street thugs. Gangs of New York. WTF, Spielberg?

2. No Irish History month even though there are as many Irish in America as there are blacks* (what IS the word for a group that includes African-Americans, Africans from Africa and those who came to America by way of the Carribbean first? If a black person immigrates from Canada, is he Canadian-American or African-Canadian-American? When Scary Spice visits the US, is she an African Brit?) According to the 2000 Census, there are almost as many citizens with ethnic origins to Africa as there are Irish.

3. Colgate changed the formula and scent of Irish Spring soap in 1986. Now it's not MANLY anymore! (And I liked it, too!)

4. More sports teams are named after Native Americans. The only big teams we get to cheer for are the Celtics (which isn't even pronounced right!) and The Fighting Irish. There aren't even enough teams to create a controversy over the name Fighting Irish. I want my share of the lawsuit, damnit!

5. The African-Americans get Obama. The elites and feminists get Hillary Clinton (yes, she's of royal lineage). The Irish? We get.....a Republican? McCain? When 85% of Irish vote Democrat? How'd that happen?

6. Crappy weather for our parade!

7. Top-of-the-line Scotch Whiskey: $550. Top-of-the-line Irish Whiskey: $100.

8. Most famous Irish musician: Bono. Sheesh. For a country in which every little hamlet has a musical instrument shop and had such influence on American music, that's what we attained?

9. Bill O'Reilley: What a pig.

10. No cultural sensitivity to our heavy drinking at office functions. It's our Kinte Cloth, man!

11. No time-off-paid national holiday for St. Patrick's Day!!!!

A seven-point plan for declaring revolution on our base-twelve calendar

Someday soon, the world economy will finally force the U.S. to embrace the metric system in its totality. Among the changes, will naturally be a switch to a ten-month year. Rather than see this as disruptive, we should use this as opportunity to retool our whole calendar. It's not enough to add or subtract a holiday here or there and continue to compound the problem -- major changes are needed! For instance, our winter is too front-loaded with holidays, leaving the whole swath of March to May with only a couple days off. So here's my proposal:

1. Jettison January, make mincemeat out of March. To trim down our calendar to a leaner, meaner base-ten year, I propose we get rid of two months with the least redeeming qualities: January and March. January is a no-brain-er. Sure, it has the New Year and the accompanying introspection, self-improvement, blah, blah, blah. But otherwise, it serves no purpose. And the so aptly-named March (as in "death march") must take a hike. It is truly the worst month -- too late for winter, too early for spring.

2. Pin ALL holidays to particular days. It works for Thanksgiving, Memorial Day and Easter, why not others? Why do we allow significant holidays like Christmas to float willy-nilly, while others, are anchored to particular days? Doing so would create predictability for shoppers, church-goers, drunks, etc. For example, Christmas would need to be on a Sunday to provide for maximum shop-ability the day before. Halloween would be on a Saturday to allow children (and adults) to stay up late. New Year's? Also Saturday, of course. Sure they'll be purists who'd note that New Year's really should be on the 1st, but they'll adjust.

3. Have Halloween haunt mid September. Holiday congestion doesn't just happen on December trips to the mall. There are simply too many damned holidays between Halloween and New Year's. The first step is to celebrate Halloween earlier. As a child, too many of the Halloweens at my latitude were nothing more than Butterfinger Death Marches in which our rain-soaked costumes were hidden by coats and darkness. September would be a perfect time.

4. Have October gobble up Turkey Day. Besides little niceties like universal health care, Canadians got a few other things right: they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Christians complain about Christmas being too commercial and that it should just be about family and food, etc., etc., But you know, we already have one like that, it’s called... THANKSGIVING! And oh yeah, and it occurs one month before Christmas! It's no wonder that Christmas has become such a Stuff Fest -- people are done with the whole family thing and need some diversion. So, I propose we create some breathing space.

5. Let people get their heart on in April. After having couples endure the emotionally-charged time during Christmas, what does our current calendar ask of us? To wait less than two months and do it all again! And, at a time when many are still paying off jewelry store bills and and waiting to see results from New Year's resolutions. I propose we move Valentine's Day into April when the days are longer and libidos are stronger.

6. Create NEW holidays. Under the new regime, each month will need to be a uniform length. But having months that last 36.5 days would create problems -- some days would start in the middle of the night! So, I propose that we take those 10 half-days and merge them into five full days and, "ta-da!", create FIVE new holidays out of thin air! Think of the benefits! The economy would soar, as employees would return to work better-rested and more productive! Plus, it's high time we selling naming rights to holidays to have corporations sweeten the pot with complimentary cards, chocolates, etc.

But what kind of holidays? Sure, groups like the Irish would lobby for some sort of "Green Gill Day" for nursing hangover the Monday following St. Patrick’s Day, but I propose we create more ecumenical, unifying holidays. How about "Belated Day", in which persons are encouraged to contact others about forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, etc.? Or "National Cleaning Day" in mid May? Wives all over America would rejoice at clean houses just in time for Memorial Day weekend visitors. How about "Honor the Dead Day" to acknowledge all the dead, not just those who died at war? Or maybe merge all the days into "National Spring Break.".

7. Encourage other groups to re-brand their holidays. The reason holidays like Hanukkah and Ramadan have not caught fire with the general public is that first of all, they are spread out over too many days -- they need to be more Super Bowl and less World Series. Second, they lack a secular analog that non-believers and merchants can tap into, with songs, movies and compelling back stories. A while back, SNL suggested a "Hanukkah Harry." Likewise, Ramadan needs some fun stuff to go along with all the fasting and solemn rigmarole. Tet? Fireworks is a great start, but someone needs to take it and run with it!

They say change is usually incremental, but it's clear our calendar is in need of drastic restructuring and its days are numbered.

The Top 11 Reasons NY Should KEEP Eliot Spitzer

1. Prostitute, female lobbyist. What's the difference anyway?

2. Come on, he's just doing quality control for the Travel & Conventions bureau, and doing it on his own free time! That's what I call dedication.

3. Principle of "Voter Beware." You elect a lawyer, and you don't think he'll lie or cheat?

4. He's fulfilling his campaign promise to get "Crime Off the Streets and Back Between the Sheets"

4. "E.L. Spitzer" is such an awesome Mexican porn-star name!

5. His wife is "Slida Wall Spitzer." (I'll bet you're checking the credits right now).

6. The Gambino family is just gonna whack him anyway, so why not let the guy fulfill a few fantasies before he puts on the cement shoes?

7. No one is more pro-marriage than Spitzer. So what if it's gay marriage?

8. Lieutenant Governor David Paterson will steal ALL of Barak's thunder! He'll be the first black governor of New York but also the first BLIND governor in the nation's history. Well legally blind, that is.

9. Think of the families he has to support!

10. You mean I could get PAID for online dating?

11. In New York, everyone's getting screwed for money. Who cares?

AP NEWS BULLETIN...."Gilligan's" Mary Ann Caught With Dope"

Oh, you THOUGHT we were going to show a picture of Gilligan, didn't you?

I hate to tell you, but Dobie's dead and Dawn's Doing Doobies. We're talking MaryAnn-ajuana!

The Top 11 Reasons Why Hillary Can't Count on the Women's Vote

"But you OWE ME, Monica!!"

1. "I want a wealthy, good-looking man to take care of me....and my country!"

2. "Hillary thinks she is so much better than us because she went to Law School and became a US Senator. She's not so great."

3. "Well, while she was out building a career, I STAYED AT HOME AND RAISED MY CHILDREN. See those scratches on the floor? That's from dragging around my cross!"

4. "Well, if no one better comes along between now and November, and I don't have a date, I'll come to the polls and vote for her. Well, unless I have my period. Or American Idol is on."

5. "If God wanted women to lead, he would have given the Virgin Mary a DAUGHTER, PTL!"

6. "Barak Obama is SO CUTE! (Screeeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmm!)"

7. "If Hillary can't control her man at home, how can she control an Army of men in Iraq?"

8. Oohmigod! Did you SEE the way that skank beyotch looked at my man during that rally?

9. A Cracker over a Brother? Hah!

10 I just can't IMAGINE letting Bill Clinton pick out the curtains and the China at the White House.

11. Eeuuuw. Look at what she's WEARING!"

Cats are purrfect for heart health! Dogs are ruff!

This fourth-hand bit of trivia just in from a study released weeks ago:

"Owning a cat could cut your heart attack risk by one third. No such effect was seen from dog ownership, but the researchers say that could be because there weren't enough dog owners in the study population to provide meaningful statistics."

Well, they say it's a fluke of the study, but I think the finding about dogs is clear: people -- women especially (except lesbians) -- who have dogs must be at least fifty times less likely to pair up with men. Oh wait. Maybe that would result in better health... Whatever... Bitches.

Separated at birth?

To me, Norm Coleman, has always looked liked another New York Doll:

And here's a young Norm meeting with some of his constituents to discuss his erection -- I mean, election.

The guy certainly understands the importance of getting out among the young folks and "pressing the flesh."

My Minnesota Senator: Should I Go for Norm Coleman's Bad-Boy Past or Al Franken's Excellent Butt?

LEFT and RIGHT (Get it??): Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman

Duuuuuude! Norm Coleman was so psychedelicious back in the day when he was still a liberal Jew from Brooklyn, going to Hofstra and sticking it to The Man that he has since become. Look at him. What a bad boy. Mmmm hmmm.

Something about going to Law School in Iowa City just warped him, man. Must have been a bad hit in the bathroom at the 'Liner that made him bi-politicalar.

I mean, doesn't Al Franken seem New Yorkier and Jewier than Norm? (LEFT: , a younger Franken).

But as a Harvard man and a nice boy from Minnesota's St. Jewish Park, Al wasn't quite as cool as Norm. Smarter, sure. I mean Al aced the math section on the SATs. But definitely not cooler.

But Al, he kicks BUTT. Literally! I was placed in the booth next to Al at the Education Minnesota exhibit hall for two days and got plenty of time to check out that cute butt of his. So Squeezable! Check it out (RIGHT):

Okay, then there's Mike Ciresi. It's like a guy looking for an image. But like they say on Sesame Street, "one of these things is not like the other." Ciresi is not the least New Yorkie or Jewish. Perhaps he should re-brand himself. Something slightly subversive like Norm, with that flowing hair. Something snarky like Al--maybe a funny expression or gesture. But something, well CHRISTIAN, too:

Yeah, Ciresi for Senate, man!

An Apple a day makes the tumor disappear?

So the Science Guy who brought you the iPhone is skeptical of traditional medicine and, when diagnosed with a serious, but treatable form of pancreatic cancer in 2003, Steve Jobs decided to forgo surgery for nine months and use a "special diet" to treat it. Huh? Wow, do you think Apple's tech support will start suggesting that customers just give their broken iPods little massages instead mailing them back for invasive procedures? Ultimately, the fruity CEO had the surgery and recovered, but the more disturbing thing is he didn't tell Apple investors about it until it was over.

I hate Rick Steves, the travel weiner

Who ever thought there would be a guy who could make travel seem boring and wimpy? Well, that guy is Rick Steves, and PBS loves him. Maybe it's his whiny, Canadian-like effeminate voice. Maybe it's just some chemical thing with me, but God, I hate his travel show! Mind you, I've nothing against nerds. Hell, some of my best friends... But a travel writer should be able to impart some romance, some adventure, to travel. Steves just makes it sound so planned and dull and... weinerish. Did this guy ever ONCE get laid in his travels? Go skinny dipping in Yugoslavia? Get roaring drunk in.... well, most any country and do stupid things at 3 am and have to evade police? (I have!) You can bet he hasn't. He was too busy writing in his journal and planning his itinerary for the next day. Has this guy been middle-aged since his teens?

In summary, I hate Rick Steves.

Good news for single gals!

Luvs2cuddle

A new report out by the Pew Center shows that more men (1 in 66) in the age group 30 to 39 are behind bars than in next oldest group (1 in 126 for ages 40 to 54), presumably meaning...there will be more hot 40+ single men on the street soon! Watch out for these lady killers!

Smiles, Laffs and Reminds Me of a Serial Killer! (and lands on Dontdatehimgirl.com)

Okay, want to know what creeps out women on online dating sites? Why we don't give you our last names, addresses and phone numbers?

Guys like Smiles_and_Laffs, aka "Dan Kidd."

Go ahead. Look him up on Match.com. Then look him up again. On DontDateHimGirl.com. Cuz that's just the penalty box to which LusciousLips and I sent him.

It all started when LusciousLips started corresponding with this Never-Married 33-year-old. (Now I have a strong bias against the Never Marrieds, just as the Divorced have against the Separated. I tend to believe that if you hit a certain age and still aren't married or haven't been in a committed relationship producing children, that you are possibly damaged goods at best and dangerous at worst.) He worked that email, pushing all the right buttons. Smooth. Too smooth. It was like foreplay.

The first red flag from this guy: he wanted the first date to be a weekend away at a spa, with side-by-side massages that would evolve into something more.

The second red flag: We could not trace the name Dan Kidd to any database in any of the states this guy said he lived in, including Minnesota. Sure, there were Dan Kidds. But they died in 1857.

Being sensible, LusciousLips persuaded Smiles_and_Laffs to meet her in a public restaurant. She primped. She drove 20 miles.

She waited.

And waited.

He never turned up.

The next day, she wrote him to find out what the hell happened. Then she found out she was the victim of a sick psychological prank. The asshole sent her a note confessing that he was playing her for a fool, had no intention of dating her, and proceeded to attack her character. It was vicious stuff for anyone to listen to, let alone someone newly separated who gets treated to character assassinations on a regular basis from her STBX.

So when LusciousLips was over at my place Saturday, we decided to play the guy right back. (Yes, we had nothing better to do. Thanks for asking.) I signed onto my Match account (because you can't send email with the phantom account). I sent him the following note:

Subject line: "Writer to Writer"
Message: "I'm a writer, too, finding a new voice awakening in me. What do you write about?"

That "voice awakening" was Luscious' idea, by the way.

Here is what he replied today:

Just read your profile. There's such a thing as being assertive and knowing what you want. Then there's women like you. Your profile is FILLED with resentment and hostility, hidden behind your demands for perfection. We want to learn about who you are, not what a world controlled by you would look like.Which Sex & the City chick are you? First, you're probably the slut with severe psychological problems. Wait...that's ALL the women on Sex & the City. Second, that show is extremely passe. Who even remembers who's who, and who cares? Thanks, but no thanks. You're exactly the opposite of what I (and all sane men) are looking for. I don't doubt you're a writer, but you're obviously not a good READER, because you'd see that you're much too old for me anyway. Love, Dan

WHOA! What the fuck? Just who exactly projects resentment and hostility here, dude? How many bodies are buried in your backyard, anyway? And who molested you as a child?
So naturally, this all got posted onto DDHG.com. And reported to Match for investigation. And posted here. Don't be messin' with an ANGRY, SLUTTY OLD BITCH!

50 reasons you'll never hear back from me on an online dating site -- unless you're a total babe!

1. "Here are 47 pictures of me, all collected from many unsuccessful years of online dating."

2. "Here's me in artsy, pretentious, black and white poses. What I lack in natural beauty, I make for in attitude. And I will not look like this in person."

3. "Here's me completely naked hunched behind a guitar [true story!]. And yes, I was sexually abused. But don't you dare send me sexually suggestive comments. I'm being artistic!"

4. "Here's me looking my best when the first Clinton was in White House. Notice how it doesn't match my other pictures? God, I wish I still looked that way..."

5. "I'm not into players or games. At least not anymore. So here's me in bars hugging lots of gnarly guys who look like players."

6. "Here's me in sunglasses from 30 feet away so I may vaguely resemble a model."

7. "Here's me with my dog. He's the only male I've had an emotional attachment in 40 years. (That's 280 in dog years!)"

8. "Here's me with my cat. It's the only pussy that's been touched in my house in years!"

9. "Here's me at my friend's or sister's wedding. Guess which one I am! (Hint: The dumpy old maid.)"

10. "Here's me in exotic places that you couldn't afford to visit at my age because you foolishly had kids."

11. "Here's me with a butch-looking woman doing outdoor stuff. But I'm straight. I think."

12. "Here's me drunkenly hugging my friends on chick trips where none of us met any guys because we were too annoying."

13. "Here's me wearing a hometown sports team jersey to show that I'm really one of the guys -- even if you don't want me to be!"

14. "Here's me on my motorcycle! I'm one of the guys or maybe just a cycle slut. You pick!"

15. "Here's me at a table littered with a dozen empty margarita glasses. I'm wasted...again! Tee-hee!"

16. "Here's me with my arms around some guy I had a fling with that night! Why doesn't he ever call?"

17. "Here's me with my arms around my girl posse. We share everything! Including all of your secrets!"

18. "I strongly identify with a religious denomination, but I don't really practice. You don't have to practice either, but my family won't like you if you're not one of us. Sorry!"

19. "I have no kids and run marathons. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. And God, you've really let yourself go..."

20. "I have high salary requirements for you but I won't list my own -- I have a lot of credit card debt! Tee-hee!"

21. "I have 'some other viewpoint' when it comes to politics. I don't know or care about that silly stuff!"

22. "I'm a vegetarian or vegan. I'm a self-righteous pain in the ass."

23. "My handle includes references to where I live, who I root for, or the country that my great-great grandparents came from. In other words, I really got nothin'."

24. "My pastime is basically watching TV, so here's a list of my favorite shows. We can make out during commercials."

25. "My kids are the most important thing in my life! My singular devotion to raising these spoiled brats is what drove away my first husband!"

26. "I don't have a photo because I'm too private, am being pursued by the authorities, or am too nasty looking. You'll have to find out!"

27. "I'm finally writing to tell you that I've been too busy responding messages from more desirable guys, but good luck with your search... loser!"

28. "I make enough money to support a family of eight, but I expect you to make the same because I'm sure you'd be threatened by anything else and a salary figure is how I measure another human being's worth."

29. "A sense of humor is a must and to prove it, I will provide a bland, completely humorless profile."'

30. "I value honesty. I've made a lot of poor choices with men. BTW, I probably won't trust you."

31. "I'm hot Russian woman who wants very much to come to US and A to give you blow job. Just kidding! I'm actually the brother of the bitch and I'm trying to scam you! Ha-ha, stupid Yankee pig!"

32. "I don't really cook. I'm proud to lack a basic life skill. But I'll think less of you if you can't fix stuff on my ramshackle house!"

33. "I want to go to France and/or Italy because I've heard it's romantic! The furthest east I've been is Waukesha."

34. "I'm a good Christian girl. Here's a cleavage shot just to prove it. I think there's a crucifix in there somewhere! PTL!"

35. "I love to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie! Who would have ever thought of that!"

36. "I love coffee. I'm original!"

37. "Last read: People Magazine"

38. "My guy has to look great in jeans and a T-shirt, but also 'clean up' well for weddings, court appearances, etc. In other words, most of my men have been slobs."

39. "I am 40+ and never married. Only serious need apply."

40. "I love to go to 'dive bars.' This is what I call places outside of my sterile suburb that have people of economic backgrounds lower than mine where I can slum with losers like you."

41. "I'm still listening to music from college."

42. "I'm low maintenance. Not really, but I just think that'll get me more dates."

43. "I love a glass of wine. I'm original!"

44. "I don't drink. I usually only date guys I meet at AA, but that's been a disaster."

45. "I'm seven years older than you. Why don't you dress up like a pizza boy and come over!"

46. "I live three counties away. I've burned through all the guys in my area!"

47. "I love my job. I'm a...LAWYER!" (True story!)

48. "Here's a random, rambling, poorly-punctuated treatise about my feelings and thoughts on dating, men and life. No, the meds are not working..."

49. "I have very high standards -- higher than you could ever meet. Hell, I don't even know why I'm resorting to online dating, but I've burned all my bridges because everyone thinks I'm a bitch, which I am."

50. "Turn off: Sarcasm"

50 Reasons You'll Never Hear Back from A Total Babe Like Me on an Online Dating Site

All of the following are based on actual profiles on Match.com, OKCupid.com and SinglesNet. Any resemblance to you is just too damned bad.

1. "Here's me in camouflage and blaze orange with an animal I killed!"



2. "Here's me holding a big fish I caught!"



3. "Here's me dressed up like a baseball player!"



4. "Here's me hiding my baldness in a baseball cap!"



5. "Here's me in my cowboy hat!"



6. "Here's me taking a picture of myself in front of a mirror...FLASH!"



7. "Here's me in the basement online at my computer, lit up by the monitor glow!"



8. "Here's another picture of a guy in a goatee!"



9. "Check out my arms in this wife-beater!"



10. "Here's me in my 'Vote for Pedro' shirt!"



11. "Here's me on my motorcycle [the most overused type of shot among men]"



12. "Here's me at a table littered with three dozen empty booze bottles!"



13. "Here's me with my arms around a bimbo who is not completely cropped out!"



14. "Here's me with my arms around my male roommate in every picture!"



15. "Here's me sporting a carefully pasted combover! [dude, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL; shave it off!]"



16. "Here's me singing karaoke!"



17. "Here's me in my gardening hat looking like Mrs. Howell!"



18. "Here's me talking to plants!"



19. "Here's me working at Wal-Mart!"



20. "I love hosting football parties!"--[you'll cook for my idiot friends!]



21. "I read predictable best-sellers!"



22. "I'm a pompous New Yorker reader!"



23. "My favorite restaurant is Applebee's!"



24. "I like to call women 'gals!'"



25. "I like hugs and snuggles"



26. "I use clever text words like gr8, 4U, Luv or Laff in my handle!"



27. "I can't think of any music I like so I'll be safe and say jazz!"



28. "I love Barry Manilow and Journey!"



29. "I'm a conservative and a liberal, but I'm moderate, too!"



30. "Here's my dog--she's my substitute child!"



31. "I'm athletic and toned--at least I was in high school!"



32. "I'm looking for a soul mate!"



33. "I like gerbils!"



34. "Jesus and I talk daily!"



35. "im unable to speel or punctiate!"



36. "I"M SCREAMING AT YOU IN ALL CAPS!!"



37. "I use LOL! way too often!"



38. "I'm showing you only my face because I'm an ass-tastrophe!"



39. "I don't have any form of custody of my children!"



40. "Here's a close-up of my package!"



41. "I'm just gonna wink because I'm too much of a wuss to email!"



42. "I'm a lawyer!"



43. "I'm writing you to tell you that you are too old!"



44. "I'm writing to tell you that you are a picky bitch!"



45. "I'm assuming you are desperate enough to date me because you are still online!"



46. "I'm interested in a Polyamorous relationship!"



47. "I am Russian scamming you for cash!"



48. "It's me again....stalking you!"



49. "I'll send you a photo if you ask!"



50. And finally: "My turn-off: sarcasm!"

No Old Men for This Country!

Enough with the Greatest, the Silent, and the Annoying (aka Boomer) Generations; it's time for younger president! Yes, Omaba is technically a Boomer, but actually more of a "BeXer" -- on the cusp of the Boomer and X Generations.

If elected, John McCain (b. 1908), would be the second oldest president ever elected. Only Orville P. Rudolph (age 102), who was elected in 1912 and died in office after three days, would be older. Gerontologists refer to this age group as "really fucking old."

Polls even show that the Polident Generation won't necessarily rally around this oldster, since they know all too well the difficulties of growing old (and cranky!)

A Gentlemen's Guide to First Date Manners

1. Meet at a definite spot. Don't just agree to meet at the restaurant. Rather, tell her you'll meet her inside the door. Chances are, neither of you will look much like your online pictures, and there's nothing more embarrassing than accidentally greeting the wrong person. That is, unless she's hot and available.

2. Let the lady go first. Whenever walking together, always have your date go ahead. This is somehow supposed to let her know that she's The Queen or something. Who knows. Plus, it gives you a chance to check out her ass and make eyes with the hostess.

3. Always hold the door. Unless it's just kind of inconvenient, like you're distracted taking on your cell or busy eyeing some other hottie. But otherwise, try to do it at least sometimes. Women like it for some reason.

4. Keep the discussion light. Don't bring up politics, religion, or children that you think you may or may not have. Keep your sexual proclivities, conspiracy theories, scars, etc. for the second date. And be sure to master the art of smiling and nodding while she prattles on. (But keep an ear out for rising inflections -- they maybe questions!)

5. Put a cork in it. The first date is not the time to display your bodily functions -- there will be time for that later, dude! Better to excuse yourself to the men's room. In an outdoor setting, a SBD may be "passable", but proceed at your own risk.

6. Ask for a second plate. If your date has some leftover food, don't just reach over with your fork. The same goes for the NY Strip that the cutie at the table next door may be picking at.

7. Pick up the tab. Men should always pay on the first date, so when the tab comes, promptly move it to your side. That is, unless the date's a dud. Then let it collect dust until she either reaches for it or you agree to split it.

8. Walk her to her car. This gives you an opportunity to gather more intel. If it's a 1987 topaz Probe with boxes of craft supplies piled in the back and a Jesus air freshener, hit the road, Jack!

9. Keep the goodbye light. At most, a hug and the peck on the cheek is all that's acceptable on a first date. That is, unless you're both really drunk and/or horny. Then have at it -- but offer to move the action to your van or the mattress in the back of your pickup.

More sex on paper, but less in the sheets

In another example of how virility is wasted on the young, a survey shows that college students are having less sex but writing about it more publicly in student magazines. Most of these magazines are at Ivy League universities and yet, it seems that students at elite schools are "gettin' some" less often than typical college students: A 2006 survey of Harvard undergrads showed that while they may possess superior SATs, their ability to score elsewhere is weak, and that half were virgins. Even adjusting for the ugly/annoying nerd factor, as well as the prudish/overachieving/first generation immigrant factor, this is truly, truly troubling news. How will these institutions be able to produce the next world leader to negotiate a lasting peace in the Middle East, when their students can't even negotiate a tasty piece in the middle of the night? JFK must be spinning (while probably also performing other body movements) in his grave!

Good news for hot, charming poor guys!

Surprise! Women (OK, and men too) don't always know what they want in a mate. Women may think they value earning capacity above all else, but personality can be more important. Looks still trumps all for both genders. (Except for Donald Trump.) Shocking! The authors caution against going in with a laundry list of traits because persons are sometimes surprised what they are attracted to when they meet in person. Guess I'll just delete that spreadsheet now...

More Boomers taking "early retirement"

Good news! Looks like more Boomers are seeing the wisdom of stepping aside and letting their Gen X and Y brethren take over the reigns of society, since they've done such a spendid job -- especially these last few years!

Decoding Women's Online Dating Ads

"Athletic and toned" = I'm in shape -- round is a shape!
"Average" = A few extra pounds
"A few extra pounds" = A lot of extra pounds
"Curvy" = Fat
"Stocky" = Really fat
"Heavy set" = Extremely fat
"Voluptuous" = Thinks she's hot, but really just fat
"5' 8" = 5' 10"
"Emotionally secure" = Heavily medicated
"Financially secure" = Recently cut up all credit cards
"Free spirited" = Hair in the wrong places
"Off beat" = Hair missing in surprising places
"Non-conformist" = Shocking tattoos below the belt
"Adventurous" = Sleeps with everyone
"Friendship first" = Used to sleep with everyone
"Traditional" = No blow jobs
"Old fashioned" = Religious prude
"Opened minded" = Did paperboy last Sunday
"Artistic" = Made $25K last year
"Independent" = Attachment issues
"Low maintenance" = Low self-esteem (There you go again....)
"Spontaneous" = Poor impulse control
"Easy going" = Airhead
"Looking for soul mate" = Stalker
"Not looking for perfection" = Ex is in Stillwater
"Vivacious" = Secret drunk
"Fun loving" = Not-so-secret drunk
"Baggage free" = Pathological liar
"Outgoing" = Loud and embarrassing
"Professional" = Bitch

Decoding Men's Online Dating Ads

"Christian/Other" = Fundamentalist Promise Keeper
"Spiritual but not religious" = Keeping the polygamy option open
"Athletic/Toned" = I once played high school sports
"5' 10" = 5' 8"
"Social drinker/maybe one or two" = That's in the morning
"Regular drinker" = Drunk right now
"Drink: Never" = I go to AA Wednesdays
"Professional" = Just got health insurance
"Heart of an artist" = Unemployed again
"Entrepreneur" = Utterly unemployable
"Harley rider" = Midlife crisis
"Long walks" = Low on funds
"Blues/jazz" = Milquetoast
"Romantic" = Horny, but insecure
"Sensual/sensuous" = Limp dick
"Erotic" = Date rape
"Communicative" = Expects phone sex
"Flirtatious" = Player
"Adventurous" = Wants a 3-way
"Looking for honesty" = Total liar
"Honest" = Tactless bastard
"Trustworthy" = Email me nude photos
"Loyal" = Clingy and needy
"Faithful" = Until my next date shows up
"Giving" = Keeps score
"Irreverent" = Arrogant asshole
"Intelligent" = Tedious and not compelling
"Baggage-free" = The restraining order was just lifted
"Carefree" = Survived herpes scare
"Unconventional" = Cross-dresser
"My job: IT professional" = Cyberstalker
"My job: Executive" = Controlling bastard ("the Man")
"My job: Massage Therapist" = Mentally ill
"Turn-ons: Erotica" = Great porn collection
"Last read: the New Yorker" = Pompous twit
"Want kids: Probably Not" = No way am I getting a vasectomy
"Want kids: No Way" = Vasectomy
"Sports and Exercise: Bicycling" = Possibly impotent, but probably shaved
"Interests: Shopping/Antiquing" = Homosexual fantasies
"Pets I like: Gerbils" = Enjoys buggery
"Best Feature: Eyes" = Wolf. "All the better to undress you with, my dear!"
"Best Feature: Lips" = Wolf. "All the better to eat you with, my dear!"

It's Time to Look at "The Rules"

Those generous folks who bring us Wikipedia have done us a favor by summarizing The Rules, made popular in a 1995 book that has been screwing up women even more ever since.

Let's take a look-see, shall we?

02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

I prefer to mime. And yes, dancing at Caribou Coffee WOULD be kind of silly.

03: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much

But staring at his package while licking the whipped cream off your Mocha is a sure-fire way to get his attention. And instead of talking, just say, "mmmmmm!"

04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date

No, have the stranger come to your home; that's always safe. And I find the expression "going Dutch" offensive to my ethnicity. You might as well say "Go Jew and Haggle with him" or "Be an Indian Giver and let him pay, but don't put out."

05: Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls

Good advice, because we know guys never have anyone else to call when you are playing hard-to-get.

06: Always End Phone Calls and dates First

To make sure, just shake his hand, then leave. And when he calls later, just hang up on him. Guys love that.

07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

But a Friday night date is okay.

08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date

Go to the gym and go directly to the date, unwashed and exhausted.

09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.

I'll bet your are going to say to act like I hate him.

10: How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time

Same as the last rule.

11: Always end the date first

Um, didn't we just cover that?

12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day

Good thing I find unromantic gifts so romantic. I might puke if I get flowers, particularly red flowers with Baby's Breath.

15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy

Let him show you where the bedroom is first. A bedroom romp is a sign of respect.

16: Don't Tell Him What to Do

But he likes when you show him.

17: Let Him Take the Lead

Yes, when bullets are flying, push him in front of you. Or was that "lead" like "leed?"

18: Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Yes, he'll never change. He'll always be as perfect as he was on your first date. His place is always that neat and clean, too.

20: Be Honest but Mysterious

In other words, be your typical passive-aggressive Minnesotan.

21: Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads

Let them know that you are responsible about taking your medication and got your sentence reduced for excellent behavior.

23: Don't Date a Married Man

Unless you are my husband's girlfriend. You can have him.

24: Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children

But should I lie about having my kids full-time? They all seem to run when I mention that.

26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules

Because your husband won't be expecting you to return his phone calls very often.

27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts

In other words, never listen to me.

30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection

In fact, end all of your relationships first, so you'll never be rejected. One date is enough.

31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.

Otherwise the stupidity of the rules would be exposed and no one would buy the book anymore.