Top 11 Reasons Why Irish-Americans Are Still Screwed

Double-Click the Bar of Soap for a Refreshing (and MANLY surprise! That Brian is hot, and he can COUNT)

"Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud." --Jimmy Rabbitte, The Commitments, 1991

I'm FRECKLE-FACED and I'm proud! Minnebarista, 2008

1. No big Hollywood blockbuster about the Great Famine, and how the Irish ALSO came over on slave ships as indentured laborers to take jobs for lower pay than free blacks. No Roots about my family's horrific experience living through the famine, building the canals of New Orleans, working as servants for the wealthy in St. Louis, getting sucked into the Civil War, then watching a farm fail in Iowa. All before they had antidepressants, too! Instead, we just get a movie portraying the Irish as violent street thugs. Gangs of New York. WTF, Spielberg?

2. No Irish History month even though there are as many Irish in America as there are blacks* (what IS the word for a group that includes African-Americans, Africans from Africa and those who came to America by way of the Carribbean first? If a black person immigrates from Canada, is he Canadian-American or African-Canadian-American? When Scary Spice visits the US, is she an African Brit?) According to the 2000 Census, there are almost as many citizens with ethnic origins to Africa as there are Irish.

3. Colgate changed the formula and scent of Irish Spring soap in 1986. Now it's not MANLY anymore! (And I liked it, too!)

4. More sports teams are named after Native Americans. The only big teams we get to cheer for are the Celtics (which isn't even pronounced right!) and The Fighting Irish. There aren't even enough teams to create a controversy over the name Fighting Irish. I want my share of the lawsuit, damnit!

5. The African-Americans get Obama. The elites and feminists get Hillary Clinton (yes, she's of royal lineage). The Irish? We get.....a Republican? McCain? When 85% of Irish vote Democrat? How'd that happen?

6. Crappy weather for our parade!

7. Top-of-the-line Scotch Whiskey: $550. Top-of-the-line Irish Whiskey: $100.

8. Most famous Irish musician: Bono. Sheesh. For a country in which every little hamlet has a musical instrument shop and had such influence on American music, that's what we attained?

9. Bill O'Reilley: What a pig.

10. No cultural sensitivity to our heavy drinking at office functions. It's our Kinte Cloth, man!

11. No time-off-paid national holiday for St. Patrick's Day!!!!