Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Got an Old Flame? Why Not Carry Your Torch in the Olympic Relay?

All this controversy surrounding the Olympic Torch Relay has me thinking: Relay. Torch. China.

I've got it! Let's get away from an event that is causing divisiveness (hell--riots!) and get back to a good old "I'd like to teach the world to sing" moment (which I'm sure Coca-Cola would love to sponsor). Instead of carrying dangerous, flammable, incendiary torches, how about carrying the other kind of torch: your old flame!

What better excuse to look up the one that got away? "What do you say, sweetie, should we embrace in the spirit of global peace and friendly competition?" Couples that might-have-been can be-again.

I propose transforming the Australian tradition of "wife-carrying" (see photo above) into "torch carrying. (No wives allowed!

What could be more heart-warming than seeing a graying man carrying his faded rose tenderly along the World Wide Torch Route? What would be more in the spirit of athleticism than watching him grunt under the weight of those extra pounds she has piled up over the years?

And hell, if they get back together when it's over they can always go register.

For China.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Enough with Elizabeth Gilbert's chick fantasy book, Eat Pray Love! Here's MY version!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Top 11 irritating things couples do

11. Sending holiday pictures with just their kid(s) because they're apparently too dumpy and/or estanged to appear together.

10. Sending holiday pictures of just their pet(s) because their kids are now teenagers and are also too dumpy and/or estranged.

9. Writing holiday brag letters in the third person when everyone knows its from the wife.

8. Wives complaining to others about their husbands when they've had too much to drink.

7. Husbands purposely belittling their wives in front of others.

6. Not being sure what to ask you about yourself and your weird single life, so they just drone on about remodeling projects and kids' activities. Zzzzz...

5. Husbands needing to clear every invitation with their wives because they have no time for themselves.

4. Complaining to you about their in-laws.

3. One word: "We"

2. Fixing you up with their single friend and thinking you'll be perfect together because s/he is the only other (pathetic) single friend they have.

1. Living vicariously through their single friends because their own relationship is apparently a barren emotional/sexual wasteland.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Top 11 Reasons Why Irish-Americans Are Still Screwed

Double-Click the Bar of Soap for a Refreshing (and MANLY surprise! That Brian is hot, and he can COUNT)

"Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud." --Jimmy Rabbitte, The Commitments, 1991

I'm FRECKLE-FACED and I'm proud! Minnebarista, 2008

1. No big Hollywood blockbuster about the Great Famine, and how the Irish ALSO came over on slave ships as indentured laborers to take jobs for lower pay than free blacks. No Roots about my family's horrific experience living through the famine, building the canals of New Orleans, working as servants for the wealthy in St. Louis, getting sucked into the Civil War, then watching a farm fail in Iowa. All before they had antidepressants, too! Instead, we just get a movie portraying the Irish as violent street thugs. Gangs of New York. WTF, Spielberg?

2. No Irish History month even though there are as many Irish in America as there are blacks* (what IS the word for a group that includes African-Americans, Africans from Africa and those who came to America by way of the Carribbean first? If a black person immigrates from Canada, is he Canadian-American or African-Canadian-American? When Scary Spice visits the US, is she an African Brit?) According to the 2000 Census, there are almost as many citizens with ethnic origins to Africa as there are Irish.

3. Colgate changed the formula and scent of Irish Spring soap in 1986. Now it's not MANLY anymore! (And I liked it, too!)

4. More sports teams are named after Native Americans. The only big teams we get to cheer for are the Celtics (which isn't even pronounced right!) and The Fighting Irish. There aren't even enough teams to create a controversy over the name Fighting Irish. I want my share of the lawsuit, damnit!

5. The African-Americans get Obama. The elites and feminists get Hillary Clinton (yes, she's of royal lineage). The Irish? We get.....a Republican? McCain? When 85% of Irish vote Democrat? How'd that happen?

6. Crappy weather for our parade!

7. Top-of-the-line Scotch Whiskey: $550. Top-of-the-line Irish Whiskey: $100.

8. Most famous Irish musician: Bono. Sheesh. For a country in which every little hamlet has a musical instrument shop and had such influence on American music, that's what we attained?

9. Bill O'Reilley: What a pig.

10. No cultural sensitivity to our heavy drinking at office functions. It's our Kinte Cloth, man!

11. No time-off-paid national holiday for St. Patrick's Day!!!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

A seven-point plan for declaring revolution on our base-twelve calendar

Someday soon, the world economy will finally force the U.S. to embrace the metric system in its totality. Among the changes, will naturally be a switch to a ten-month year. Rather than see this as disruptive, we should use this as opportunity to retool our whole calendar. It's not enough to add or subtract a holiday here or there and continue to compound the problem -- major changes are needed! For instance, our winter is too front-loaded with holidays, leaving the whole swath of March to May with only a couple days off. So here's my proposal:

1. Jettison January, make mincemeat out of March. To trim down our calendar to a leaner, meaner base-ten year, I propose we get rid of two months with the least redeeming qualities: January and March. January is a no-brain-er. Sure, it has the New Year and the accompanying introspection, self-improvement, blah, blah, blah. But otherwise, it serves no purpose. And the so aptly-named March (as in "death march") must take a hike. It is truly the worst month -- too late for winter, too early for spring.

2. Pin ALL holidays to particular days. It works for Thanksgiving, Memorial Day and Easter, why not others? Why do we allow significant holidays like Christmas to float willy-nilly, while others, are anchored to particular days? Doing so would create predictability for shoppers, church-goers, drunks, etc. For example, Christmas would need to be on a Sunday to provide for maximum shop-ability the day before. Halloween would be on a Saturday to allow children (and adults) to stay up late. New Year's? Also Saturday, of course. Sure they'll be purists who'd note that New Year's really should be on the 1st, but they'll adjust.

3. Have Halloween haunt mid September. Holiday congestion doesn't just happen on December trips to the mall. There are simply too many damned holidays between Halloween and New Year's. The first step is to celebrate Halloween earlier. As a child, too many of the Halloweens at my latitude were nothing more than Butterfinger Death Marches in which our rain-soaked costumes were hidden by coats and darkness. September would be a perfect time.

4. Have October gobble up Turkey Day. Besides little niceties like universal health care, Canadians got a few other things right: they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Christians complain about Christmas being too commercial and that it should just be about family and food, etc., etc., But you know, we already have one like that, it’s called... THANKSGIVING! And oh yeah, and it occurs one month before Christmas! It's no wonder that Christmas has become such a Stuff Fest -- people are done with the whole family thing and need some diversion. So, I propose we create some breathing space.

5. Let people get their heart on in April. After having couples endure the emotionally-charged time during Christmas, what does our current calendar ask of us? To wait less than two months and do it all again! And, at a time when many are still paying off jewelry store bills and and waiting to see results from New Year's resolutions. I propose we move Valentine's Day into April when the days are longer and libidos are stronger.

6. Create NEW holidays. Under the new regime, each month will need to be a uniform length. But having months that last 36.5 days would create problems -- some days would start in the middle of the night! So, I propose that we take those 10 half-days and merge them into five full days and, "ta-da!", create FIVE new holidays out of thin air! Think of the benefits! The economy would soar, as employees would return to work better-rested and more productive! Plus, it's high time we selling naming rights to holidays to have corporations sweeten the pot with complimentary cards, chocolates, etc.

But what kind of holidays? Sure, groups like the Irish would lobby for some sort of "Green Gill Day" for nursing hangover the Monday following St. Patrick’s Day, but I propose we create more ecumenical, unifying holidays. How about "Belated Day", in which persons are encouraged to contact others about forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, etc.? Or "National Cleaning Day" in mid May? Wives all over America would rejoice at clean houses just in time for Memorial Day weekend visitors. How about "Honor the Dead Day" to acknowledge all the dead, not just those who died at war? Or maybe merge all the days into "National Spring Break.".

7. Encourage other groups to re-brand their holidays. The reason holidays like Hanukkah and Ramadan have not caught fire with the general public is that first of all, they are spread out over too many days -- they need to be more Super Bowl and less World Series. Second, they lack a secular analog that non-believers and merchants can tap into, with songs, movies and compelling back stories. A while back, SNL suggested a "Hanukkah Harry." Likewise, Ramadan needs some fun stuff to go along with all the fasting and solemn rigmarole. Tet? Fireworks is a great start, but someone needs to take it and run with it!

They say change is usually incremental, but it's clear our calendar is in need of drastic restructuring and its days are numbered.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Top 11 Reasons NY Should KEEP Eliot Spitzer

1. Prostitute, female lobbyist. What's the difference anyway?

2. Come on, he's just doing quality control for the Travel & Conventions bureau, and doing it on his own free time! That's what I call dedication.

3. Principle of "Voter Beware." You elect a lawyer, and you don't think he'll lie or cheat?

4. He's fulfilling his campaign promise to get "Crime Off the Streets and Back Between the Sheets"

4. "E.L. Spitzer" is such an awesome Mexican porn-star name!

5. His wife is "Slida Wall Spitzer." (I'll bet you're checking the credits right now).

6. The Gambino family is just gonna whack him anyway, so why not let the guy fulfill a few fantasies before he puts on the cement shoes?

7. No one is more pro-marriage than Spitzer. So what if it's gay marriage?

8. Lieutenant Governor David Paterson will steal ALL of Barak's thunder! He'll be the first black governor of New York but also the first BLIND governor in the nation's history. Well legally blind, that is.

9. Think of the families he has to support!

10. You mean I could get PAID for online dating?

11. In New York, everyone's getting screwed for money. Who cares?

AP NEWS BULLETIN...."Gilligan's" Mary Ann Caught With Dope"

Oh, you THOUGHT we were going to show a picture of Gilligan, didn't you?

I hate to tell you, but Dobie's dead and Dawn's Doing Doobies. We're talking MaryAnn-ajuana!