50 Reasons You'll Never Hear Back from A Total Babe Like Me on an Online Dating Site

All of the following are based on actual profiles on Match.com, OKCupid.com and SinglesNet. Any resemblance to you is just too damned bad.

1. "Here's me in camouflage and blaze orange with an animal I killed!"



2. "Here's me holding a big fish I caught!"



3. "Here's me dressed up like a baseball player!"



4. "Here's me hiding my baldness in a baseball cap!"



5. "Here's me in my cowboy hat!"



6. "Here's me taking a picture of myself in front of a mirror...FLASH!"



7. "Here's me in the basement online at my computer, lit up by the monitor glow!"



8. "Here's another picture of a guy in a goatee!"



9. "Check out my arms in this wife-beater!"



10. "Here's me in my 'Vote for Pedro' shirt!"



11. "Here's me on my motorcycle [the most overused type of shot among men]"



12. "Here's me at a table littered with three dozen empty booze bottles!"



13. "Here's me with my arms around a bimbo who is not completely cropped out!"



14. "Here's me with my arms around my male roommate in every picture!"



15. "Here's me sporting a carefully pasted combover! [dude, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL; shave it off!]"



16. "Here's me singing karaoke!"



17. "Here's me in my gardening hat looking like Mrs. Howell!"



18. "Here's me talking to plants!"



19. "Here's me working at Wal-Mart!"



20. "I love hosting football parties!"--[you'll cook for my idiot friends!]



21. "I read predictable best-sellers!"



22. "I'm a pompous New Yorker reader!"



23. "My favorite restaurant is Applebee's!"



24. "I like to call women 'gals!'"



25. "I like hugs and snuggles"



26. "I use clever text words like gr8, 4U, Luv or Laff in my handle!"



27. "I can't think of any music I like so I'll be safe and say jazz!"



28. "I love Barry Manilow and Journey!"



29. "I'm a conservative and a liberal, but I'm moderate, too!"



30. "Here's my dog--she's my substitute child!"



31. "I'm athletic and toned--at least I was in high school!"



32. "I'm looking for a soul mate!"



33. "I like gerbils!"



34. "Jesus and I talk daily!"



35. "im unable to speel or punctiate!"



36. "I"M SCREAMING AT YOU IN ALL CAPS!!"



37. "I use LOL! way too often!"



38. "I'm showing you only my face because I'm an ass-tastrophe!"



39. "I don't have any form of custody of my children!"



40. "Here's a close-up of my package!"



41. "I'm just gonna wink because I'm too much of a wuss to email!"



42. "I'm a lawyer!"



43. "I'm writing you to tell you that you are too old!"



44. "I'm writing to tell you that you are a picky bitch!"



45. "I'm assuming you are desperate enough to date me because you are still online!"



46. "I'm interested in a Polyamorous relationship!"



47. "I am Russian scamming you for cash!"



48. "It's me again....stalking you!"



49. "I'll send you a photo if you ask!"



50. And finally: "My turn-off: sarcasm!"