It's Time to Look at "The Rules"

Those generous folks who bring us Wikipedia have done us a favor by summarizing The Rules, made popular in a 1995 book that has been screwing up women even more ever since.

Let's take a look-see, shall we?

02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

I prefer to mime. And yes, dancing at Caribou Coffee WOULD be kind of silly.

03: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much

But staring at his package while licking the whipped cream off your Mocha is a sure-fire way to get his attention. And instead of talking, just say, "mmmmmm!"

04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date

No, have the stranger come to your home; that's always safe. And I find the expression "going Dutch" offensive to my ethnicity. You might as well say "Go Jew and Haggle with him" or "Be an Indian Giver and let him pay, but don't put out."

05: Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls

Good advice, because we know guys never have anyone else to call when you are playing hard-to-get.

06: Always End Phone Calls and dates First

To make sure, just shake his hand, then leave. And when he calls later, just hang up on him. Guys love that.

07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

But a Friday night date is okay.

08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date

Go to the gym and go directly to the date, unwashed and exhausted.

09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.

I'll bet your are going to say to act like I hate him.

10: How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time

Same as the last rule.

11: Always end the date first

Um, didn't we just cover that?

12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day

Good thing I find unromantic gifts so romantic. I might puke if I get flowers, particularly red flowers with Baby's Breath.

15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy

Let him show you where the bedroom is first. A bedroom romp is a sign of respect.

16: Don't Tell Him What to Do

But he likes when you show him.

17: Let Him Take the Lead

Yes, when bullets are flying, push him in front of you. Or was that "lead" like "leed?"

18: Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Yes, he'll never change. He'll always be as perfect as he was on your first date. His place is always that neat and clean, too.

20: Be Honest but Mysterious

In other words, be your typical passive-aggressive Minnesotan.

21: Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads

Let them know that you are responsible about taking your medication and got your sentence reduced for excellent behavior.

23: Don't Date a Married Man

Unless you are my husband's girlfriend. You can have him.

24: Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children

But should I lie about having my kids full-time? They all seem to run when I mention that.

26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules

Because your husband won't be expecting you to return his phone calls very often.

27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts

In other words, never listen to me.

30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection

In fact, end all of your relationships first, so you'll never be rejected. One date is enough.

31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.

Otherwise the stupidity of the rules would be exposed and no one would buy the book anymore.