Decoding Women's Online Dating Ads

"Athletic and toned" = I'm in shape -- round is a shape!
"Average" = A few extra pounds
"A few extra pounds" = A lot of extra pounds
"Curvy" = Fat
"Stocky" = Really fat
"Heavy set" = Extremely fat
"Voluptuous" = Thinks she's hot, but really just fat
"5' 8" = 5' 10"
"Emotionally secure" = Heavily medicated
"Financially secure" = Recently cut up all credit cards
"Free spirited" = Hair in the wrong places
"Off beat" = Hair missing in surprising places
"Non-conformist" = Shocking tattoos below the belt
"Adventurous" = Sleeps with everyone
"Friendship first" = Used to sleep with everyone
"Traditional" = No blow jobs
"Old fashioned" = Religious prude
"Opened minded" = Did paperboy last Sunday
"Artistic" = Made $25K last year
"Independent" = Attachment issues
"Low maintenance" = Low self-esteem (There you go again....)
"Spontaneous" = Poor impulse control
"Easy going" = Airhead
"Looking for soul mate" = Stalker
"Not looking for perfection" = Ex is in Stillwater
"Vivacious" = Secret drunk
"Fun loving" = Not-so-secret drunk
"Baggage free" = Pathological liar
"Outgoing" = Loud and embarrassing
"Professional" = Bitch