Enough with Elizabeth Gilbert's chick fantasy book, Eat Pray Love! Here's MY version!

Top 11 irritating things couples do

11. Sending holiday pictures with just their kid(s) because they're apparently too dumpy and/or estanged to appear together.

10. Sending holiday pictures of just their pet(s) because their kids are now teenagers and are also too dumpy and/or estranged.

9. Writing holiday brag letters in the third person when everyone knows its from the wife.

8. Wives complaining to others about their husbands when they've had too much to drink.

7. Husbands purposely belittling their wives in front of others.

6. Not being sure what to ask you about yourself and your weird single life, so they just drone on about remodeling projects and kids' activities. Zzzzz...

5. Husbands needing to clear every invitation with their wives because they have no time for themselves.

4. Complaining to you about their in-laws.

3. One word: "We"

2. Fixing you up with their single friend and thinking you'll be perfect together because s/he is the only other (pathetic) single friend they have.

1. Living vicariously through their single friends because their own relationship is apparently a barren emotional/sexual wasteland.

Top 11 Reasons Why Irish-Americans Are Still Screwed

Double-Click the Bar of Soap for a Refreshing (and MANLY surprise! That Brian is hot, and he can COUNT)

"Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud." --Jimmy Rabbitte, The Commitments, 1991

I'm FRECKLE-FACED and I'm proud! Minnebarista, 2008

1. No big Hollywood blockbuster about the Great Famine, and how the Irish ALSO came over on slave ships as indentured laborers to take jobs for lower pay than free blacks. No Roots about my family's horrific experience living through the famine, building the canals of New Orleans, working as servants for the wealthy in St. Louis, getting sucked into the Civil War, then watching a farm fail in Iowa. All before they had antidepressants, too! Instead, we just get a movie portraying the Irish as violent street thugs. Gangs of New York. WTF, Spielberg?

2. No Irish History month even though there are as many Irish in America as there are blacks* (what IS the word for a group that includes African-Americans, Africans from Africa and those who came to America by way of the Carribbean first? If a black person immigrates from Canada, is he Canadian-American or African-Canadian-American? When Scary Spice visits the US, is she an African Brit?) According to the 2000 Census, there are almost as many citizens with ethnic origins to Africa as there are Irish.

3. Colgate changed the formula and scent of Irish Spring soap in 1986. Now it's not MANLY anymore! (And I liked it, too!)

4. More sports teams are named after Native Americans. The only big teams we get to cheer for are the Celtics (which isn't even pronounced right!) and The Fighting Irish. There aren't even enough teams to create a controversy over the name Fighting Irish. I want my share of the lawsuit, damnit!

5. The African-Americans get Obama. The elites and feminists get Hillary Clinton (yes, she's of royal lineage). The Irish? We get.....a Republican? McCain? When 85% of Irish vote Democrat? How'd that happen?

6. Crappy weather for our parade!

7. Top-of-the-line Scotch Whiskey: $550. Top-of-the-line Irish Whiskey: $100.

8. Most famous Irish musician: Bono. Sheesh. For a country in which every little hamlet has a musical instrument shop and had such influence on American music, that's what we attained?

9. Bill O'Reilley: What a pig.

10. No cultural sensitivity to our heavy drinking at office functions. It's our Kinte Cloth, man!

11. No time-off-paid national holiday for St. Patrick's Day!!!!

A seven-point plan for declaring revolution on our base-twelve calendar

Someday soon, the world economy will finally force the U.S. to embrace the metric system in its totality. Among the changes, will naturally be a switch to a ten-month year. Rather than see this as disruptive, we should use this as opportunity to retool our whole calendar. It's not enough to add or subtract a holiday here or there and continue to compound the problem -- major changes are needed! For instance, our winter is too front-loaded with holidays, leaving the whole swath of March to May with only a couple days off. So here's my proposal:

1. Jettison January, make mincemeat out of March. To trim down our calendar to a leaner, meaner base-ten year, I propose we get rid of two months with the least redeeming qualities: January and March. January is a no-brain-er. Sure, it has the New Year and the accompanying introspection, self-improvement, blah, blah, blah. But otherwise, it serves no purpose. And the so aptly-named March (as in "death march") must take a hike. It is truly the worst month -- too late for winter, too early for spring.

2. Pin ALL holidays to particular days. It works for Thanksgiving, Memorial Day and Easter, why not others? Why do we allow significant holidays like Christmas to float willy-nilly, while others, are anchored to particular days? Doing so would create predictability for shoppers, church-goers, drunks, etc. For example, Christmas would need to be on a Sunday to provide for maximum shop-ability the day before. Halloween would be on a Saturday to allow children (and adults) to stay up late. New Year's? Also Saturday, of course. Sure they'll be purists who'd note that New Year's really should be on the 1st, but they'll adjust.

3. Have Halloween haunt mid September. Holiday congestion doesn't just happen on December trips to the mall. There are simply too many damned holidays between Halloween and New Year's. The first step is to celebrate Halloween earlier. As a child, too many of the Halloweens at my latitude were nothing more than Butterfinger Death Marches in which our rain-soaked costumes were hidden by coats and darkness. September would be a perfect time.

4. Have October gobble up Turkey Day. Besides little niceties like universal health care, Canadians got a few other things right: they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Christians complain about Christmas being too commercial and that it should just be about family and food, etc., etc., But you know, we already have one like that, it’s called... THANKSGIVING! And oh yeah, and it occurs one month before Christmas! It's no wonder that Christmas has become such a Stuff Fest -- people are done with the whole family thing and need some diversion. So, I propose we create some breathing space.

5. Let people get their heart on in April. After having couples endure the emotionally-charged time during Christmas, what does our current calendar ask of us? To wait less than two months and do it all again! And, at a time when many are still paying off jewelry store bills and and waiting to see results from New Year's resolutions. I propose we move Valentine's Day into April when the days are longer and libidos are stronger.

6. Create NEW holidays. Under the new regime, each month will need to be a uniform length. But having months that last 36.5 days would create problems -- some days would start in the middle of the night! So, I propose that we take those 10 half-days and merge them into five full days and, "ta-da!", create FIVE new holidays out of thin air! Think of the benefits! The economy would soar, as employees would return to work better-rested and more productive! Plus, it's high time we selling naming rights to holidays to have corporations sweeten the pot with complimentary cards, chocolates, etc.

But what kind of holidays? Sure, groups like the Irish would lobby for some sort of "Green Gill Day" for nursing hangover the Monday following St. Patrick’s Day, but I propose we create more ecumenical, unifying holidays. How about "Belated Day", in which persons are encouraged to contact others about forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, etc.? Or "National Cleaning Day" in mid May? Wives all over America would rejoice at clean houses just in time for Memorial Day weekend visitors. How about "Honor the Dead Day" to acknowledge all the dead, not just those who died at war? Or maybe merge all the days into "National Spring Break.".

7. Encourage other groups to re-brand their holidays. The reason holidays like Hanukkah and Ramadan have not caught fire with the general public is that first of all, they are spread out over too many days -- they need to be more Super Bowl and less World Series. Second, they lack a secular analog that non-believers and merchants can tap into, with songs, movies and compelling back stories. A while back, SNL suggested a "Hanukkah Harry." Likewise, Ramadan needs some fun stuff to go along with all the fasting and solemn rigmarole. Tet? Fireworks is a great start, but someone needs to take it and run with it!

They say change is usually incremental, but it's clear our calendar is in need of drastic restructuring and its days are numbered.

The Top 11 Reasons NY Should KEEP Eliot Spitzer

1. Prostitute, female lobbyist. What's the difference anyway?

2. Come on, he's just doing quality control for the Travel & Conventions bureau, and doing it on his own free time! That's what I call dedication.

3. Principle of "Voter Beware." You elect a lawyer, and you don't think he'll lie or cheat?

4. He's fulfilling his campaign promise to get "Crime Off the Streets and Back Between the Sheets"

4. "E.L. Spitzer" is such an awesome Mexican porn-star name!

5. His wife is "Slida Wall Spitzer." (I'll bet you're checking the credits right now).

6. The Gambino family is just gonna whack him anyway, so why not let the guy fulfill a few fantasies before he puts on the cement shoes?

7. No one is more pro-marriage than Spitzer. So what if it's gay marriage?

8. Lieutenant Governor David Paterson will steal ALL of Barak's thunder! He'll be the first black governor of New York but also the first BLIND governor in the nation's history. Well legally blind, that is.

9. Think of the families he has to support!

10. You mean I could get PAID for online dating?

11. In New York, everyone's getting screwed for money. Who cares?

AP NEWS BULLETIN...."Gilligan's" Mary Ann Caught With Dope"

Oh, you THOUGHT we were going to show a picture of Gilligan, didn't you?

I hate to tell you, but Dobie's dead and Dawn's Doing Doobies. We're talking MaryAnn-ajuana!

The Top 11 Reasons Why Hillary Can't Count on the Women's Vote

"But you OWE ME, Monica!!"

1. "I want a wealthy, good-looking man to take care of me....and my country!"

2. "Hillary thinks she is so much better than us because she went to Law School and became a US Senator. She's not so great."

3. "Well, while she was out building a career, I STAYED AT HOME AND RAISED MY CHILDREN. See those scratches on the floor? That's from dragging around my cross!"

4. "Well, if no one better comes along between now and November, and I don't have a date, I'll come to the polls and vote for her. Well, unless I have my period. Or American Idol is on."

5. "If God wanted women to lead, he would have given the Virgin Mary a DAUGHTER, PTL!"

6. "Barak Obama is SO CUTE! (Screeeeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmm!)"

7. "If Hillary can't control her man at home, how can she control an Army of men in Iraq?"

8. Oohmigod! Did you SEE the way that skank beyotch looked at my man during that rally?

9. A Cracker over a Brother? Hah!

10 I just can't IMAGINE letting Bill Clinton pick out the curtains and the China at the White House.

11. Eeuuuw. Look at what she's WEARING!"

Cats are purrfect for heart health! Dogs are ruff!

This fourth-hand bit of trivia just in from a study released weeks ago:

"Owning a cat could cut your heart attack risk by one third. No such effect was seen from dog ownership, but the researchers say that could be because there weren't enough dog owners in the study population to provide meaningful statistics."

Well, they say it's a fluke of the study, but I think the finding about dogs is clear: people -- women especially (except lesbians) -- who have dogs must be at least fifty times less likely to pair up with men. Oh wait. Maybe that would result in better health... Whatever... Bitches.

Separated at birth?

To me, Norm Coleman, has always looked liked another New York Doll:

And here's a young Norm meeting with some of his constituents to discuss his erection -- I mean, election.

The guy certainly understands the importance of getting out among the young folks and "pressing the flesh."

My Minnesota Senator: Should I Go for Norm Coleman's Bad-Boy Past or Al Franken's Excellent Butt?

LEFT and RIGHT (Get it??): Minnesota Senator Norm Coleman

Duuuuuude! Norm Coleman was so psychedelicious back in the day when he was still a liberal Jew from Brooklyn, going to Hofstra and sticking it to The Man that he has since become. Look at him. What a bad boy. Mmmm hmmm.

Something about going to Law School in Iowa City just warped him, man. Must have been a bad hit in the bathroom at the 'Liner that made him bi-politicalar.

I mean, doesn't Al Franken seem New Yorkier and Jewier than Norm? (LEFT: , a younger Franken).

But as a Harvard man and a nice boy from Minnesota's St. Jewish Park, Al wasn't quite as cool as Norm. Smarter, sure. I mean Al aced the math section on the SATs. But definitely not cooler.

But Al, he kicks BUTT. Literally! I was placed in the booth next to Al at the Education Minnesota exhibit hall for two days and got plenty of time to check out that cute butt of his. So Squeezable! Check it out (RIGHT):

Okay, then there's Mike Ciresi. It's like a guy looking for an image. But like they say on Sesame Street, "one of these things is not like the other." Ciresi is not the least New Yorkie or Jewish. Perhaps he should re-brand himself. Something slightly subversive like Norm, with that flowing hair. Something snarky like Al--maybe a funny expression or gesture. But something, well CHRISTIAN, too:

Yeah, Ciresi for Senate, man!

An Apple a day makes the tumor disappear?

So the Science Guy who brought you the iPhone is skeptical of traditional medicine and, when diagnosed with a serious, but treatable form of pancreatic cancer in 2003, Steve Jobs decided to forgo surgery for nine months and use a "special diet" to treat it. Huh? Wow, do you think Apple's tech support will start suggesting that customers just give their broken iPods little massages instead mailing them back for invasive procedures? Ultimately, the fruity CEO had the surgery and recovered, but the more disturbing thing is he didn't tell Apple investors about it until it was over.

I hate Rick Steves, the travel weiner

Who ever thought there would be a guy who could make travel seem boring and wimpy? Well, that guy is Rick Steves, and PBS loves him. Maybe it's his whiny, Canadian-like effeminate voice. Maybe it's just some chemical thing with me, but God, I hate his travel show! Mind you, I've nothing against nerds. Hell, some of my best friends... But a travel writer should be able to impart some romance, some adventure, to travel. Steves just makes it sound so planned and dull and... weinerish. Did this guy ever ONCE get laid in his travels? Go skinny dipping in Yugoslavia? Get roaring drunk in.... well, most any country and do stupid things at 3 am and have to evade police? (I have!) You can bet he hasn't. He was too busy writing in his journal and planning his itinerary for the next day. Has this guy been middle-aged since his teens?

In summary, I hate Rick Steves.

Good news for single gals!

Luvs2cuddle

A new report out by the Pew Center shows that more men (1 in 66) in the age group 30 to 39 are behind bars than in next oldest group (1 in 126 for ages 40 to 54), presumably meaning...there will be more hot 40+ single men on the street soon! Watch out for these lady killers!

Smiles, Laffs and Reminds Me of a Serial Killer! (and lands on Dontdatehimgirl.com)

Okay, want to know what creeps out women on online dating sites? Why we don't give you our last names, addresses and phone numbers?

Guys like Smiles_and_Laffs, aka "Dan Kidd."

Go ahead. Look him up on Match.com. Then look him up again. On DontDateHimGirl.com. Cuz that's just the penalty box to which LusciousLips and I sent him.

It all started when LusciousLips started corresponding with this Never-Married 33-year-old. (Now I have a strong bias against the Never Marrieds, just as the Divorced have against the Separated. I tend to believe that if you hit a certain age and still aren't married or haven't been in a committed relationship producing children, that you are possibly damaged goods at best and dangerous at worst.) He worked that email, pushing all the right buttons. Smooth. Too smooth. It was like foreplay.

The first red flag from this guy: he wanted the first date to be a weekend away at a spa, with side-by-side massages that would evolve into something more.

The second red flag: We could not trace the name Dan Kidd to any database in any of the states this guy said he lived in, including Minnesota. Sure, there were Dan Kidds. But they died in 1857.

Being sensible, LusciousLips persuaded Smiles_and_Laffs to meet her in a public restaurant. She primped. She drove 20 miles.

She waited.

And waited.

He never turned up.

The next day, she wrote him to find out what the hell happened. Then she found out she was the victim of a sick psychological prank. The asshole sent her a note confessing that he was playing her for a fool, had no intention of dating her, and proceeded to attack her character. It was vicious stuff for anyone to listen to, let alone someone newly separated who gets treated to character assassinations on a regular basis from her STBX.

So when LusciousLips was over at my place Saturday, we decided to play the guy right back. (Yes, we had nothing better to do. Thanks for asking.) I signed onto my Match account (because you can't send email with the phantom account). I sent him the following note:

Subject line: "Writer to Writer"
Message: "I'm a writer, too, finding a new voice awakening in me. What do you write about?"

That "voice awakening" was Luscious' idea, by the way.

Here is what he replied today:

Just read your profile. There's such a thing as being assertive and knowing what you want. Then there's women like you. Your profile is FILLED with resentment and hostility, hidden behind your demands for perfection. We want to learn about who you are, not what a world controlled by you would look like.Which Sex & the City chick are you? First, you're probably the slut with severe psychological problems. Wait...that's ALL the women on Sex & the City. Second, that show is extremely passe. Who even remembers who's who, and who cares? Thanks, but no thanks. You're exactly the opposite of what I (and all sane men) are looking for. I don't doubt you're a writer, but you're obviously not a good READER, because you'd see that you're much too old for me anyway. Love, Dan

WHOA! What the fuck? Just who exactly projects resentment and hostility here, dude? How many bodies are buried in your backyard, anyway? And who molested you as a child?
So naturally, this all got posted onto DDHG.com. And reported to Match for investigation. And posted here. Don't be messin' with an ANGRY, SLUTTY OLD BITCH!