50 reasons you'll never hear back from me on an online dating site -- unless you're a total babe!

1. "Here are 47 pictures of me, all collected from many unsuccessful years of online dating."

2. "Here's me in artsy, pretentious, black and white poses. What I lack in natural beauty, I make for in attitude. And I will not look like this in person."

3. "Here's me completely naked hunched behind a guitar [true story!]. And yes, I was sexually abused. But don't you dare send me sexually suggestive comments. I'm being artistic!"

4. "Here's me looking my best when the first Clinton was in White House. Notice how it doesn't match my other pictures? God, I wish I still looked that way..."

5. "I'm not into players or games. At least not anymore. So here's me in bars hugging lots of gnarly guys who look like players."

6. "Here's me in sunglasses from 30 feet away so I may vaguely resemble a model."

7. "Here's me with my dog. He's the only male I've had an emotional attachment in 40 years. (That's 280 in dog years!)"

8. "Here's me with my cat. It's the only pussy that's been touched in my house in years!"

9. "Here's me at my friend's or sister's wedding. Guess which one I am! (Hint: The dumpy old maid.)"

10. "Here's me in exotic places that you couldn't afford to visit at my age because you foolishly had kids."

11. "Here's me with a butch-looking woman doing outdoor stuff. But I'm straight. I think."

12. "Here's me drunkenly hugging my friends on chick trips where none of us met any guys because we were too annoying."

13. "Here's me wearing a hometown sports team jersey to show that I'm really one of the guys -- even if you don't want me to be!"

14. "Here's me on my motorcycle! I'm one of the guys or maybe just a cycle slut. You pick!"

15. "Here's me at a table littered with a dozen empty margarita glasses. I'm wasted...again! Tee-hee!"

16. "Here's me with my arms around some guy I had a fling with that night! Why doesn't he ever call?"

17. "Here's me with my arms around my girl posse. We share everything! Including all of your secrets!"

18. "I strongly identify with a religious denomination, but I don't really practice. You don't have to practice either, but my family won't like you if you're not one of us. Sorry!"

19. "I have no kids and run marathons. I have no idea what it's like to be a single parent. And God, you've really let yourself go..."

20. "I have high salary requirements for you but I won't list my own -- I have a lot of credit card debt! Tee-hee!"

21. "I have 'some other viewpoint' when it comes to politics. I don't know or care about that silly stuff!"

22. "I'm a vegetarian or vegan. I'm a self-righteous pain in the ass."

23. "My handle includes references to where I live, who I root for, or the country that my great-great grandparents came from. In other words, I really got nothin'."

24. "My pastime is basically watching TV, so here's a list of my favorite shows. We can make out during commercials."

25. "My kids are the most important thing in my life! My singular devotion to raising these spoiled brats is what drove away my first husband!"

26. "I don't have a photo because I'm too private, am being pursued by the authorities, or am too nasty looking. You'll have to find out!"

27. "I'm finally writing to tell you that I've been too busy responding messages from more desirable guys, but good luck with your search... loser!"

28. "I make enough money to support a family of eight, but I expect you to make the same because I'm sure you'd be threatened by anything else and a salary figure is how I measure another human being's worth."

29. "A sense of humor is a must and to prove it, I will provide a bland, completely humorless profile."'

30. "I value honesty. I've made a lot of poor choices with men. BTW, I probably won't trust you."

31. "I'm hot Russian woman who wants very much to come to US and A to give you blow job. Just kidding! I'm actually the brother of the bitch and I'm trying to scam you! Ha-ha, stupid Yankee pig!"

32. "I don't really cook. I'm proud to lack a basic life skill. But I'll think less of you if you can't fix stuff on my ramshackle house!"

33. "I want to go to France and/or Italy because I've heard it's romantic! The furthest east I've been is Waukesha."

34. "I'm a good Christian girl. Here's a cleavage shot just to prove it. I think there's a crucifix in there somewhere! PTL!"

35. "I love to snuggle on the couch and watch a movie! Who would have ever thought of that!"

36. "I love coffee. I'm original!"

37. "Last read: People Magazine"

38. "My guy has to look great in jeans and a T-shirt, but also 'clean up' well for weddings, court appearances, etc. In other words, most of my men have been slobs."

39. "I am 40+ and never married. Only serious need apply."

40. "I love to go to 'dive bars.' This is what I call places outside of my sterile suburb that have people of economic backgrounds lower than mine where I can slum with losers like you."

41. "I'm still listening to music from college."

42. "I'm low maintenance. Not really, but I just think that'll get me more dates."

43. "I love a glass of wine. I'm original!"

44. "I don't drink. I usually only date guys I meet at AA, but that's been a disaster."

45. "I'm seven years older than you. Why don't you dress up like a pizza boy and come over!"

46. "I live three counties away. I've burned through all the guys in my area!"

47. "I love my job. I'm a...LAWYER!" (True story!)

48. "Here's a random, rambling, poorly-punctuated treatise about my feelings and thoughts on dating, men and life. No, the meds are not working..."

49. "I have very high standards -- higher than you could ever meet. Hell, I don't even know why I'm resorting to online dating, but I've burned all my bridges because everyone thinks I'm a bitch, which I am."

50. "Turn off: Sarcasm"

50 Reasons You'll Never Hear Back from A Total Babe Like Me on an Online Dating Site

All of the following are based on actual profiles on Match.com, OKCupid.com and SinglesNet. Any resemblance to you is just too damned bad.

1. "Here's me in camouflage and blaze orange with an animal I killed!"



2. "Here's me holding a big fish I caught!"



3. "Here's me dressed up like a baseball player!"



4. "Here's me hiding my baldness in a baseball cap!"



5. "Here's me in my cowboy hat!"



6. "Here's me taking a picture of myself in front of a mirror...FLASH!"



7. "Here's me in the basement online at my computer, lit up by the monitor glow!"



8. "Here's another picture of a guy in a goatee!"



9. "Check out my arms in this wife-beater!"



10. "Here's me in my 'Vote for Pedro' shirt!"



11. "Here's me on my motorcycle [the most overused type of shot among men]"



12. "Here's me at a table littered with three dozen empty booze bottles!"



13. "Here's me with my arms around a bimbo who is not completely cropped out!"



14. "Here's me with my arms around my male roommate in every picture!"



15. "Here's me sporting a carefully pasted combover! [dude, BALD IS BEAUTIFUL; shave it off!]"



16. "Here's me singing karaoke!"



17. "Here's me in my gardening hat looking like Mrs. Howell!"



18. "Here's me talking to plants!"



19. "Here's me working at Wal-Mart!"



20. "I love hosting football parties!"--[you'll cook for my idiot friends!]



21. "I read predictable best-sellers!"



22. "I'm a pompous New Yorker reader!"



23. "My favorite restaurant is Applebee's!"



24. "I like to call women 'gals!'"



25. "I like hugs and snuggles"



26. "I use clever text words like gr8, 4U, Luv or Laff in my handle!"



27. "I can't think of any music I like so I'll be safe and say jazz!"



28. "I love Barry Manilow and Journey!"



29. "I'm a conservative and a liberal, but I'm moderate, too!"



30. "Here's my dog--she's my substitute child!"



31. "I'm athletic and toned--at least I was in high school!"



32. "I'm looking for a soul mate!"



33. "I like gerbils!"



34. "Jesus and I talk daily!"



35. "im unable to speel or punctiate!"



36. "I"M SCREAMING AT YOU IN ALL CAPS!!"



37. "I use LOL! way too often!"



38. "I'm showing you only my face because I'm an ass-tastrophe!"



39. "I don't have any form of custody of my children!"



40. "Here's a close-up of my package!"



41. "I'm just gonna wink because I'm too much of a wuss to email!"



42. "I'm a lawyer!"



43. "I'm writing you to tell you that you are too old!"



44. "I'm writing to tell you that you are a picky bitch!"



45. "I'm assuming you are desperate enough to date me because you are still online!"



46. "I'm interested in a Polyamorous relationship!"



47. "I am Russian scamming you for cash!"



48. "It's me again....stalking you!"



49. "I'll send you a photo if you ask!"



50. And finally: "My turn-off: sarcasm!"

No Old Men for This Country!

Enough with the Greatest, the Silent, and the Annoying (aka Boomer) Generations; it's time for younger president! Yes, Omaba is technically a Boomer, but actually more of a "BeXer" -- on the cusp of the Boomer and X Generations.

If elected, John McCain (b. 1908), would be the second oldest president ever elected. Only Orville P. Rudolph (age 102), who was elected in 1912 and died in office after three days, would be older. Gerontologists refer to this age group as "really fucking old."

Polls even show that the Polident Generation won't necessarily rally around this oldster, since they know all too well the difficulties of growing old (and cranky!)

A Gentlemen's Guide to First Date Manners

1. Meet at a definite spot. Don't just agree to meet at the restaurant. Rather, tell her you'll meet her inside the door. Chances are, neither of you will look much like your online pictures, and there's nothing more embarrassing than accidentally greeting the wrong person. That is, unless she's hot and available.

2. Let the lady go first. Whenever walking together, always have your date go ahead. This is somehow supposed to let her know that she's The Queen or something. Who knows. Plus, it gives you a chance to check out her ass and make eyes with the hostess.

3. Always hold the door. Unless it's just kind of inconvenient, like you're distracted taking on your cell or busy eyeing some other hottie. But otherwise, try to do it at least sometimes. Women like it for some reason.

4. Keep the discussion light. Don't bring up politics, religion, or children that you think you may or may not have. Keep your sexual proclivities, conspiracy theories, scars, etc. for the second date. And be sure to master the art of smiling and nodding while she prattles on. (But keep an ear out for rising inflections -- they maybe questions!)

5. Put a cork in it. The first date is not the time to display your bodily functions -- there will be time for that later, dude! Better to excuse yourself to the men's room. In an outdoor setting, a SBD may be "passable", but proceed at your own risk.

6. Ask for a second plate. If your date has some leftover food, don't just reach over with your fork. The same goes for the NY Strip that the cutie at the table next door may be picking at.

7. Pick up the tab. Men should always pay on the first date, so when the tab comes, promptly move it to your side. That is, unless the date's a dud. Then let it collect dust until she either reaches for it or you agree to split it.

8. Walk her to her car. This gives you an opportunity to gather more intel. If it's a 1987 topaz Probe with boxes of craft supplies piled in the back and a Jesus air freshener, hit the road, Jack!

9. Keep the goodbye light. At most, a hug and the peck on the cheek is all that's acceptable on a first date. That is, unless you're both really drunk and/or horny. Then have at it -- but offer to move the action to your van or the mattress in the back of your pickup.

More sex on paper, but less in the sheets

In another example of how virility is wasted on the young, a survey shows that college students are having less sex but writing about it more publicly in student magazines. Most of these magazines are at Ivy League universities and yet, it seems that students at elite schools are "gettin' some" less often than typical college students: A 2006 survey of Harvard undergrads showed that while they may possess superior SATs, their ability to score elsewhere is weak, and that half were virgins. Even adjusting for the ugly/annoying nerd factor, as well as the prudish/overachieving/first generation immigrant factor, this is truly, truly troubling news. How will these institutions be able to produce the next world leader to negotiate a lasting peace in the Middle East, when their students can't even negotiate a tasty piece in the middle of the night? JFK must be spinning (while probably also performing other body movements) in his grave!

Good news for hot, charming poor guys!

Surprise! Women (OK, and men too) don't always know what they want in a mate. Women may think they value earning capacity above all else, but personality can be more important. Looks still trumps all for both genders. (Except for Donald Trump.) Shocking! The authors caution against going in with a laundry list of traits because persons are sometimes surprised what they are attracted to when they meet in person. Guess I'll just delete that spreadsheet now...

More Boomers taking "early retirement"

Good news! Looks like more Boomers are seeing the wisdom of stepping aside and letting their Gen X and Y brethren take over the reigns of society, since they've done such a spendid job -- especially these last few years!

Decoding Women's Online Dating Ads

"Athletic and toned" = I'm in shape -- round is a shape!
"Average" = A few extra pounds
"A few extra pounds" = A lot of extra pounds
"Curvy" = Fat
"Stocky" = Really fat
"Heavy set" = Extremely fat
"Voluptuous" = Thinks she's hot, but really just fat
"5' 8" = 5' 10"
"Emotionally secure" = Heavily medicated
"Financially secure" = Recently cut up all credit cards
"Free spirited" = Hair in the wrong places
"Off beat" = Hair missing in surprising places
"Non-conformist" = Shocking tattoos below the belt
"Adventurous" = Sleeps with everyone
"Friendship first" = Used to sleep with everyone
"Traditional" = No blow jobs
"Old fashioned" = Religious prude
"Opened minded" = Did paperboy last Sunday
"Artistic" = Made $25K last year
"Independent" = Attachment issues
"Low maintenance" = Low self-esteem (There you go again....)
"Spontaneous" = Poor impulse control
"Easy going" = Airhead
"Looking for soul mate" = Stalker
"Not looking for perfection" = Ex is in Stillwater
"Vivacious" = Secret drunk
"Fun loving" = Not-so-secret drunk
"Baggage free" = Pathological liar
"Outgoing" = Loud and embarrassing
"Professional" = Bitch

Decoding Men's Online Dating Ads

"Christian/Other" = Fundamentalist Promise Keeper
"Spiritual but not religious" = Keeping the polygamy option open
"Athletic/Toned" = I once played high school sports
"5' 10" = 5' 8"
"Social drinker/maybe one or two" = That's in the morning
"Regular drinker" = Drunk right now
"Drink: Never" = I go to AA Wednesdays
"Professional" = Just got health insurance
"Heart of an artist" = Unemployed again
"Entrepreneur" = Utterly unemployable
"Harley rider" = Midlife crisis
"Long walks" = Low on funds
"Blues/jazz" = Milquetoast
"Romantic" = Horny, but insecure
"Sensual/sensuous" = Limp dick
"Erotic" = Date rape
"Communicative" = Expects phone sex
"Flirtatious" = Player
"Adventurous" = Wants a 3-way
"Looking for honesty" = Total liar
"Honest" = Tactless bastard
"Trustworthy" = Email me nude photos
"Loyal" = Clingy and needy
"Faithful" = Until my next date shows up
"Giving" = Keeps score
"Irreverent" = Arrogant asshole
"Intelligent" = Tedious and not compelling
"Baggage-free" = The restraining order was just lifted
"Carefree" = Survived herpes scare
"Unconventional" = Cross-dresser
"My job: IT professional" = Cyberstalker
"My job: Executive" = Controlling bastard ("the Man")
"My job: Massage Therapist" = Mentally ill
"Turn-ons: Erotica" = Great porn collection
"Last read: the New Yorker" = Pompous twit
"Want kids: Probably Not" = No way am I getting a vasectomy
"Want kids: No Way" = Vasectomy
"Sports and Exercise: Bicycling" = Possibly impotent, but probably shaved
"Interests: Shopping/Antiquing" = Homosexual fantasies
"Pets I like: Gerbils" = Enjoys buggery
"Best Feature: Eyes" = Wolf. "All the better to undress you with, my dear!"
"Best Feature: Lips" = Wolf. "All the better to eat you with, my dear!"

It's Time to Look at "The Rules"

Those generous folks who bring us Wikipedia have done us a favor by summarizing The Rules, made popular in a 1995 book that has been screwing up women even more ever since.

Let's take a look-see, shall we?

02: Don't Talk to a Man First (and Don't Ask Him to Dance)

I prefer to mime. And yes, dancing at Caribou Coffee WOULD be kind of silly.

03: Don't Stare at Men or Talk Too Much

But staring at his package while licking the whipped cream off your Mocha is a sure-fire way to get his attention. And instead of talking, just say, "mmmmmm!"

04: Don't Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date

No, have the stranger come to your home; that's always safe. And I find the expression "going Dutch" offensive to my ethnicity. You might as well say "Go Jew and Haggle with him" or "Be an Indian Giver and let him pay, but don't put out."

05: Don't Call Him & Rarely Return His Calls

Good advice, because we know guys never have anyone else to call when you are playing hard-to-get.

06: Always End Phone Calls and dates First

To make sure, just shake his hand, then leave. And when he calls later, just hang up on him. Guys love that.

07: Don't Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday

But a Friday night date is okay.

08: Fill Up Your Time before the Date

Go to the gym and go directly to the date, unwashed and exhausted.

09: How to Act on Dates 1,2, & 3 End the date first especially if you like him.

I'll bet your are going to say to act like I hate him.

10: How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time

Same as the last rule.

11: Always end the date first

Um, didn't we just cover that?

12: Stop Dating Him if He Doesn't Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine's Day

Good thing I find unromantic gifts so romantic. I might puke if I get flowers, particularly red flowers with Baby's Breath.

15: Don't Rush into Sex & Other Rules for Intimacy

Let him show you where the bedroom is first. A bedroom romp is a sign of respect.

16: Don't Tell Him What to Do

But he likes when you show him.

17: Let Him Take the Lead

Yes, when bullets are flying, push him in front of you. Or was that "lead" like "leed?"

18: Don't Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him

Yes, he'll never change. He'll always be as perfect as he was on your first date. His place is always that neat and clean, too.

20: Be Honest but Mysterious

In other words, be your typical passive-aggressive Minnesotan.

21: Accentuate the Positive & Other Rules for Personal Ads

Let them know that you are responsible about taking your medication and got your sentence reduced for excellent behavior.

23: Don't Date a Married Man

Unless you are my husband's girlfriend. You can have him.

24: Slowly Involve Him in Your Family & Other Rules for Women with Children

But should I lie about having my kids full-time? They all seem to run when I mention that.

26: Even if You're Engaged or Married, You Still Need The Rules

Because your husband won't be expecting you to return his phone calls very often.

27: Do The Rules, Even when Your Friends & Parents Think It's Nuts

In other words, never listen to me.

30: NEXT! & Other Rules for Dealing with Rejection

In fact, end all of your relationships first, so you'll never be rejected. One date is enough.

31: Don't Discuss The Rules with Your Therapist.

Otherwise the stupidity of the rules would be exposed and no one would buy the book anymore.