Someday soon, the world economy will finally force the U.S. to embrace the metric system in its totality. Among the changes, will naturally be a switch to a ten-month year. Rather than see this as disruptive, we should use this as opportunity to retool our whole calendar. It's not enough to add or subtract a holiday here or there and continue to compound the problem -- major changes are needed! For instance, our winter is too front-loaded with holidays, leaving the whole swath of March to May with only a couple days off. So here's my proposal:
1. Jettison January, make mincemeat out of March. To trim down our calendar to a leaner, meaner base-ten year, I propose we get rid of two months with the least redeeming qualities: January and March. January is a no-brain-er. Sure, it has the New Year and the accompanying introspection, self-improvement, blah, blah, blah. But otherwise, it serves no purpose. And the so aptly-named March (as in "death march") must take a hike. It is truly the worst month -- too late for winter, too early for spring.
2. Pin ALL holidays to particular days. It works for Thanksgiving, Memorial Day and Easter, why not others? Why do we allow significant holidays like Christmas to float willy-nilly, while others, are anchored to particular days? Doing so would create predictability for shoppers, church-goers, drunks, etc. For example, Christmas would need to be on a Sunday to provide for maximum shop-ability the day before. Halloween would be on a Saturday to allow children (and adults) to stay up late. New Year's? Also Saturday, of course. Sure they'll be purists who'd note that New Year's really should be on the 1st, but they'll adjust.
3. Have Halloween haunt mid September. Holiday congestion doesn't just happen on December trips to the mall. There are simply too many damned holidays between Halloween and New Year's. The first step is to celebrate Halloween earlier. As a child, too many of the Halloweens at my latitude were nothing more than Butterfinger Death Marches in which our rain-soaked costumes were hidden by coats and darkness. September would be a perfect time.
4. Have October gobble up Turkey Day. Besides little niceties like universal health care, Canadians got a few other things right: they celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Christians complain about Christmas being too commercial and that it should just be about family and food, etc., etc., But you know, we already have one like that, it’s called... THANKSGIVING! And oh yeah, and it occurs one month before Christmas! It's no wonder that Christmas has become such a Stuff Fest -- people are done with the whole family thing and need some diversion. So, I propose we create some breathing space.
5. Let people get their heart on in April. After having couples endure the emotionally-charged time during Christmas, what does our current calendar ask of us? To wait less than two months and do it all again! And, at a time when many are still paying off jewelry store bills and and waiting to see results from New Year's resolutions. I propose we move Valentine's Day into April when the days are longer and libidos are stronger.
6. Create NEW holidays. Under the new regime, each month will need to be a uniform length. But having months that last 36.5 days would create problems -- some days would start in the middle of the night! So, I propose that we take those 10 half-days and merge them into five full days and, "ta-da!", create FIVE new holidays out of thin air! Think of the benefits! The economy would soar, as employees would return to work better-rested and more productive! Plus, it's high time we selling naming rights to holidays to have corporations sweeten the pot with complimentary cards, chocolates, etc.
But what kind of holidays? Sure, groups like the Irish would lobby for some sort of "Green Gill Day" for nursing hangover the Monday following St. Patrick’s Day, but I propose we create more ecumenical, unifying holidays. How about "Belated Day", in which persons are encouraged to contact others about forgotten birthdays, anniversaries, funerals, etc.? Or "National Cleaning Day" in mid May? Wives all over America would rejoice at clean houses just in time for Memorial Day weekend visitors. How about "Honor the Dead Day" to acknowledge all the dead, not just those who died at war? Or maybe merge all the days into "National Spring Break.".
7. Encourage other groups to re-brand their holidays. The reason holidays like Hanukkah and Ramadan have not caught fire with the general public is that first of all, they are spread out over too many days -- they need to be more Super Bowl and less World Series. Second, they lack a secular analog that non-believers and merchants can tap into, with songs, movies and compelling back stories. A while back, SNL suggested a "Hanukkah Harry." Likewise, Ramadan needs some fun stuff to go along with all the fasting and solemn rigmarole. Tet? Fireworks is a great start, but someone needs to take it and run with it!
They say change is usually incremental, but it's clear our calendar is in need of drastic restructuring and its days are numbered.
